Insecurity in a Relationship

Insecurity in a Relationship

It’s common to feel insecure now and then in a relationship. But, insecurities can perpetrate the doubts and uncertainties and negatively impact your relationship.

Personal insecurities, and insecurities about your partner or your relationship directly affect the experience you share together. It’s worth addressing your personal insecurities before you start a relationship. When you feel insecure while in a relationship, you can share your feelings, doubts and concerns with your partner. So, you can solve the issues together.

Throughout this article, you will learn about many causes of insecurity and how they affect your relationship, and how you can deal with them.

First of all, let’s have a look at what it means to have insecurity in a relationship…

What Is Insecurity?

According to the Merriam-webster dictionary insecurity is:

A: a state or feeling of anxiety, fear, or self-doubt

B: lack of dependability or certainty

C: lack of safety or protection

What Is Insecurity in a Relationship?

Insecurity is a mixed of uncertainty and anxiety about oneself, experienced as a lack of confidence. Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) plus uncertainty.

Uncertainty can come from two sources:

  1. Internal
  2. External

Insecurity is an uncertainty that comes from within. Uncertainty about self that includes things like:

  • Decision making
  • Self-image
  • Perception (filters about the outside world. This include people and circumstances, thinking and behaving).

Feeling Insecure Because of the Relationship

When you are insecure because of your relationship it means you are feeling doubtful about some aspects of your relationship. It’s worth taking the time to identify the areas that trouble you. Talk to your partner to find a solution.

Having Personal Insecurity

As we go through life, we find ourselves in many different situations. While we know how to handle some of these situations others can leave us feeling scared and confused.

Every situation creates a new belief about ourselves or the world or reinforces an old one. Because of this, our past experiences directly affect our current behaviour through the beliefs we formed long time ago.

When we encounter situations where we feel weak, vulnerable and powerless, it can result in having personal insecurity. This can be about the way we are or our abilities.

Relationships are interactions between individuals. Each person has some degree of insecurity about some aspect of themselves. Since relationships are a dynamic between 2 or more people, the combination of personal insecurities from both sides can have a negative impact of the dynamic.

What Does It Mean to Feel Insecure in a Relationship?

Insecurity involves every aspect of uncertainty that applies to self.

When you are insecure you feel:

  • Unsafe
  • Vulnerable
  • Hesitant
  • Weak

Causes of Insecurity in a Relationship

Chronic insecurity means that you always feel uncertain about self (who you are and the choices you make). This insecurity becomes a state of being where whatever you choose, you always feel that you are making the wrong decisions or second guessing them, regardless of what decision you make.

The feeling of insecurity manifest as a deep believe that you are not good enough by simply being yourself. But to be good enough you have to do something.

Insecurities come from our thoughts and beliefs. When we are insecure, we tend to have thoughts like these:

  • “I’m not good enough, I need to do something to have value”
  • “My existence is not enough for me to have value” this manifests as “I have to do something”
  • “I have to know something”
  • “I have to have something”

In practical terms all of these are correct. To have practical value, you must have a practical way to contribute to the world. But in terms of self-image (the state of being is different from anything that is practical).

Everyone has insecurities that can affect their relationship. The key of a healthy relationship is to be aware of your own insecurities and address them one by one. When you are insecure, you are always doubting yourself and your decisions.

Insecurity is not bad in itself, in fact, it can have some benefits if you bring your awareness to it. Insecurity can help you bring awareness to your decisions. So that, you can learn more about your circumstances and yourself. Which in turn will help you make more educated decisions.

Insecurity can also give you more time and focus to make decisions so, you are not making decisions just on your impulse.

How Insecurity Affects a Relationship

Relationships are full of uncertainties. However, if these insecurities start taking over your mental peace and life, your relationship will become a struggle

Insecurities and distrust lead to suspicion. In other words, when you have personal insecurities, and you don’t trust your partner completely, and you start being suspicious of them. You will want to know what they do and who they are with all the time. Later on, this will manifest as controlling behaviour.

The moment you try to control your partner, they will start being defensive. Their defensiveness can manifest as an unwillingness to share things with you.

If your partner feels overpowered by your controlling behaviour, they might go along with what you want. But in doing so, they will compromise their freedom and ability to do what they want to do with their life and time.

While it may appear reassuring to you that your partner does what you want. You will feel less insecure for some time, for a long-term relationship it won’t work and it will make both of you unhappy.

If you notice yourself being controlling of your partner, try to identify the insecurities that you have. However, it may not be easy to see them. But you can guess things that make you feel insecure.

Common Insecurities in a Relationship

If you or your partner are feeling insecure, you may be having these thoughts:

  • My partner will leave me
  • I am not good enough
  • I am not pretty/handsome enough
  • I cannot provide enough
  • I am not thin/fit enough
  • I can’t trust you (your partner)

Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

When you find yourself:

  • Doubtful
  • Uncertain
  • You are questioning your partner and your relationship

As a result you may feel:

  • Confused
  • Frustrated
  • Anxious
  • Angry

You can become:

  • Distrusting
  • Unwillingness to share things
  • Suspicious
  • Jealous
  • Clingy
  • Defensive
  • Controlling

And this may result in:

  • Bad communication
  • Frequent arguments over small things
  • Comparing yourself with their ex’s
  • Spending less time together
  • Start drifting apart
  • Losing interest in each other
  • Cheating

How to Avoid Insecurity in a Relationship

You can avoid facing your personal insecurities and uncertainties about your relationship. But doing so is unhealthy, and it won’t help you to maintain a strong relationship.

If you are feeling uncomfortable discussing your doubts with your partner. It could be assigned to you are not trusting them completely. Without trust, you can’t have a successful relationship.

With that in mind, if you have things on your mind or the feelings that are bothering you, it would be best if you were to share them with your partner. If you can do that, it will reassure you that you can trust your partner enough to share your most personal and most intimate things about you.

It’s crucial that your partner also feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.

Trust goes both ways. If only one partner is opening up, while the other one doesn’t, this can lead to an unbalanced relationship.

If you feel that your relationship is having no direction. You can reassess your personal and relationship goals to reassure you, you and your partner are still going in the same direction.

How to Deal with Insecurity in a Relationship

  1. Identify your personal insecurities
  2. Help your partner identify their personal insecurities
  3. Reflect on how these insecurities affect your relationship
  4. Find out the causes of these insecurities and support each other in addressing them
  5. If you are struggling and need professional help with your insecurities, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

The most effective way to deal with insecurities in a relationship is to talk openly and honestly about them to your partner.

It can be very uncomfortable to talk about your insecurities. It’s even uncomfortable to see them in yourself. But the beauty of having someone you trust, like a romantic partner is that you’re able to share your intimate things with them.

To do that, you need to be able to express yourself openly and clearly to your partner. They, in turn, must have a willingness to care about listening to what you have to share.

This, of course, goes both ways. When you and your partner can express yourself to each other openly and clearly with trust. You can be reassured that you have a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

If you have doubts, concerns, or insecurities about where your relationship is going. It will help if you to make a clear plan and timeline for when and how you will move in together, get married or make your relationship more serious.

Without a plan, your relationship will become hard to navigate. The things you can include in your plan are your relationship goals and when are you expecting to achieve those goals.

How to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship

The only way to overcome insecurity is to face it and express it. By talking about your insecurities, you’re taking away the power they have over you and your behaviour.

If you can’t openly talk about your insecurities, they will significantly affect your behaviour and your relationship. It can be helpful to discuss your personal insecurities and uncertainties about your relationship with your partner.

You need to learn about yourself regardless of your relationship. Throughout your life, many people come and go. But, the only person that’s always there with you from start to end is yourself.

So, your relationship with yourself is the first relationship you need to work on. The better you know yourself, the more chances you have of having a healthy relationship with another person.

The first step to building a relationship with yourself is to discover your insecurities. Once you realise that they are only uncertainties and misguided beliefs. To overcome your feelings of insecurity you need to learn to love yourself.

If you would like to learn more about building a healthy relationship with yourself, check out Louise Hay.

If you would like some help and guidance with managing insecurities in your relationship, talk to a relationship coach, send us message here.

Ending a Relationship Because of Insecurity

If you are not able to address your personal insecurities and the insecurity about your relationship. You may find yourself in an unhealthy relationship which over time can become toxic.

If you and your partner cannot support each other in dealing with insecurities. You may ned some time apart so you can focus on your personal development before getting into a relationship.


The only way you can maintain a healthy relationship is by dealing with your insecurities. In the process it will help to have a plan to manage the uncertainties that come as part of being in a relationship. You can do it through effective communication.

The best thing you can do is talk about them with your partner. There is a chance your partner will be able to tell you something that you might struggle to see for yourself about you or your behaviour.

Personal insecurities have a significant impact on your relationship. Dealing with these insecurities together can help your relationship grow stronger.

However, you may find that dealing with your insecurities is too much, you have three options:

  1. Support each other on working out your insecurities
  2. Take some time away from the relationship to focus on your personal issues
  3. Seek professional help

Get Help Dealing with Insecurity in Your Relationship

Tips on Dealing with Insecurity in Your Relationship

  • Don’t ignored the doubts and uncertainties you may have about your relationship
  • Try to recognise the insecurities you have about yourself, your partner or your relationship
  • Talk to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, doubts and concerns
  • Try to support each other in solving your personal issues and find a solution together

If you don’t know how to deal with doubts and you need professional help and advice, get in touch and we’ll be happy to help!

Frequently Asked Questions

Can insecurity ruin a relationship?

Yes, insecurities directly affect your behaviour and the interaction with your partner. Hence, the dynamic of your relationship.

When insecurity ruins a relationship?

Insecurity ruins a relationship when you ignore it and you don’t talk about it to address the issues behind the insecurities.

How to prevent insecurity in a relationship?

The way you can prevent insecurity in a relationship is by addressing your personal insecurities before you start a relationship.

What leads to insecurity in a relationship?

Insecurity can be caused because of your personal insecurities, doubts about your partner or your relationship.

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