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Are you in a relationship that isn’t working and you are thinking if it’s time to break up?
Relationship breakups are associated with a lot of drama and negative emotions. Letting go of someone you once loved and with whom you spent a lot of time together can be emotionally challenging. But, breakups don’t have so painful when you know how to separate in good terms with love, respect and understanding.
In this article, you will learn to identify signs that your relationship is heading for a breakup. You will also learn a healthy way to end your relationship if it comes to it.
What Is a Breakup?
Let’s have a look at what it means to break up. Here’s the definition of a breakup according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary
- to cease to exist as a unified whole : DISPERSE
to end a romance
- to lose morale, composure, or resolution
- to break into pieces
- to bring to an end
- to do away with : DESTROY
- to disrupt the continuity or flow of
- to cause to laugh heartily
While the above description is an objective summary of what a breakup is. It doesn’t account for the emotional experience that comes from the separation with another person.
This emotional experience greatly depends on the feelings you once shared and circumstances that have led to the breakup.
For example, you may have strong romantic feelings for each other while struggling to make your relationship work. This can be due to poor communication, personal insecurities or the inability to express yourselves in a clear, open and honest way.
Why Do Couples Break up?
Main Reasons Couples Break up
Here are some of the main reasons why a relationship deteriorates and may cause a breakup
- Poor communication
- Unresolved problems
- Lack of emotional connection
- Lack of physical intimacy
- Lack of trust
- Not having common relationship goals
There are many other reasons why couples decide to break up:
- Money issues
- Wanting to be with someone else
- Different sex drives
- Being unsatisfied with other areas of life
- Feeling unfulfilled by this relationship
- Wanting to pursue one’s career development
- Uncertainty, doubts and no direction in the relationship
- Unrealistic expectations
How Can a Breakup Affect You and Your Partner?
A breakup can affect each of you differently. It primarily depends on who wants to break up (if it is no mutual) and why. For example, if you are the one who considers ending your relationship because of some issues and problems. Your partner may not see these problems and feel like your relationship is doing just fine.
To avoid unnecessary emotional pain, make sure that both of you have complete understanding of why your relationship doesn’t work. Then, you can see how a breakup is the best option for both of you.
However, a sudden and unexpected breakup is one of the most unpleasant ways to end the relationship. It usually comes around when one partner decides to break up and then tries to find a way to inform the other about their decision. It’s a wrong way to go about ending a relationship, it guarantees that at least one of you will be hurt emotionally.
A break up can be stressful and emotionally challenging. It can leave you or your partner feeling sad, disappointed, stressed, fearful, inadequate, frustrated, and confused.
It is possible, if you see the break up as another person not wanting to be with you because of your inadequacy in some way.
In reality, however, a person chooses to break up for their own reasons and out of their choices and preferences. So, if your partner break up with you. You should remember that they do it for their reasons because of how they see you, your relationship, themselves and the world around them.
In this case, them choosing to break up is influenced by their perception of your relationship, their objectives, feelings and goals.
When Is It Time to Break up?
It’s time to consider a possibility of a breakup when your relationship is no longer working. Maybe, your relationship has always been a bit of a struggle. But, you decided to stick with it because you had strong feelings for each other or for some other reasons.
The chances are you wanted to have a healthy relationship with a special someone. However, this wish alone even with strong romantic feelings isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Maintaining a healthy and long lasting relationship requires continues self development, building of trust and understanding and improving your communication.
It also involves, the willingness to learn about each other regardless of how long you’ve been together. After sometime, you may get to know each other’s past, but feelings, needs and preferences change all the time. This is something that you need to learn about each other day to day.
Let’s have a look at different the signs that your relationship is coming to an end.
Signs that Your Relationship is Heading for a Breakup
Here are some signs that your relationship isn’t working and it’s heading for a breakup:
- Feeling unhappy in this relationship
- No longer enjoying the time together
- Having no romantic feelings for your partner
- Feeling sad and confused when you are with your partner
- Being sexually unsatisfied and frustrated more often than not
If you are feeling at a crossroads with your relationship, the first step is to figure out what’s wrong! First, you need to understand better what is working for you and for your relationship and what isn’t. Once you identify the problems in your relationship, you will be able to find the best way forward.
Should You Stay Together or Break up?
Once your relationship is filled with arguments, it’s tough to find a way to a healthy relationship of any kind with the same person.
If you find that your communication isn’t great and unresolved problems keep piling up, then a breakup should definitely be on the table. One thing, you really want to avoid is staying in an unhealthy relationship which is getting worse without you knowing how to or being willing to fix it.
The reason you want to avoid this predicament is because it leads to a toxic relationship. Being in such relationship can be emotionally destructive and damaging for your well-being.
Provided you still have strong feelings for each other and the willingness to make your relationship work and you just need the know how, relationship coaching can help you.
Relationship coaching can easily pinpoint the root cause of your problems and provide you the guidance you need to get your relationship back on track. That said, without the willingness of both of you breaking up is a healthier option than staying in a deteriorating relationship.
Even then, a relationship coach can help you end your relationship in a healthy way, where you can learn from it to avoid repeating the same mistakes in your future relationships.
How to Break up in a Healthy Way
A relationship is a union of two people. These two people create a relationship, and they’re the ones who make it work, and they’re also the ones that might choose to end it.
When you feel your relationship isn’t working and it’s not going anywhere, you may consider breaking up.
When you feel the need to break up your relationship:
- Avoid making a unilateral decision
- Talk to your partner
- Share your feelings and doubts
- Discuss things that bother you
- Express clearly what isn’t working for you and your relationship.
- Give your partner a chance to express how they feel and what they think.
- Take time to hear each other out and understand each other’s point of view.
- Finally, and most importantly, if you decide to break up, make this decision together. You started a relationship together, so it’s only fair that both of you decide to end it.
There is a clear line between ending your relationship the right way and the wrong way. Most people do it the wrong way by deciding to break up by themselves and then informing their partner about it.
These people spend most of their energy trying to figure out a way to inform their partner about their decision. Naturally, it’s a very unpleasant and painful process.
A better way to handle a breakup is by taking a step back from your final decision. Instead, express your thoughts, feelings, doubts, and concerns to your partner.
Tell your partner how you feel and what is working for you and what isn’t. It might just happen that you and your partner may be able to fix the problems that are bothering you, or they may agree with you that it’s time to break up.
As long as you decide to break up together with your partner, nobody gets hurt. You may, of course, feel sadness for a while, but there are also healthy ways to manage that.
So, how can you put it across to the person you care for?
How to Break up with Someone You Love
In a caring way, with empathy, honesty and understanding. It is not an easy task, especially when you get overwhelmed with emotions, but that is the only way.
Unfortunately, most people are not taught to express their feelings, needs and expectations. So even with the best of intentions, expressing yourself to your partner can be difficult. Expressing your deep emotions can make things even more complicated.
Here, at Couples Coaching Online, we understand the importance of leaving the relationship on good terms with as much understanding as possible. So, if you need help, see our coaching options or get in touch. We will show you how you can learn from your relationship to create a healthier and happier one in the future.
How Do You Deal with a Breakup?
When you are considering to break up, unless you have an open and honest conversation about your views and perspectives. Your partner may be left sad, confused and disappointed after you tell them you want to break up. So, it’s a good idea to have a conversation where you share your worries, doubts and concerns with your partner before making any final decisions.
If you feel like breaking up and have an impulse to make a unilateral decision and inform your partner about it, which in itself is hard enough. You can have a different approach where instead of informing your partner of your decision to break up. You simply share your feelings, doubts and concerns with your partner to give them a chance to respond.
This will give you an opportunity to be heard as well as learn how your partner sees your relationship and see if they recognise the same relationship issues that are bothering you.
How to Get Over a Breakup in a Relationship?
Getting over a relationship breakup can be a challenging period for anyone. Regardless of whether it’s a mutual break up or if it was a unilateral decision, it’s very likely you will still have a certain degree of sadness.
When you create a relationship, you invite another person to share your life with you, at least for some time. When this person is no longer part of your life, it’s natural to have such an emptiness for a short while.
If your relationship was exciting, you need to find another way to bring fun into your life after you break up. Even if your relationship was a struggle, you might feel that it will take some time to adapt to this change. However, on this occasion, you will also feel relief.
How to Move on After a Breakup
Moving on from a relationship break up is like finishing a chapter of a book. You chose a person to take a journey through a part of your life. But at some point, this chapter ends, and another one begins.
Before you can get fully immersed into the next chapter of your life, you should make peace with this one.
Metaphor aside, when you break up your relationship, ideally as a mutual decision, you need some time to process what happened and reflect on your relationship.
- Take time to look at what didn’t work in your relationship
- Learn from your mistakes
- Figure out what you can do differently
- Make adjustments for a future relationship
A break up creates a void in your life, and many people rush into creating the next relationship to fail like last one. But having this void gives you space to think and process things that worked and things that didn’t.
You can discover things about you that you wouldn’t have known before. Going through this process helps you grow as a person and recognise the things you like and the ones you don’t.
After you’ve taken some time to reflect on this relationship, you will be emotionally and intellectually prepared to create a more loving relationship with someone else.
If you don’t take the time needed for you to process all the emotions you feel, you are likely to end up with the same problems, just with a different person. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you will keep repeating them.
Even though, it may seem counterintuitive and frustrating, that is the reason why people attract the same type of partners with the same kind of problems.
- Talk to a friend, family, or therapist to express how you feel
- Focus on yourself and the things you enjoy
- Surround yourself by friends and family for support
- Take enough time for yourself before engaging Into a new relationship
Relationship breakups are often seen as something tragic and uncomfortable. It can be tragic, and it can bring a lot of suffering if you or your partner make a unilateral decision to break up.
For some reason, it became a norm for one partner to decide that it’s time to break up and find a way to inform the other partner about their decision. They spend most of their energy thinking how to do it whether to do it on the phone, text or writing a breakup letter. All of these are nonsense; that’s why it feels like a struggle.
Breakups are emotionally difficult. The best way to handle a breakup is by talking to your partner about your feelings and doubts and make a decision together that works for both of you.
Here is how you can have a healthier approach to a breakup:
- Take a step back from having to decide on your own.
- Tell your partner what’s not working for you in your relationship.
- They might help you figure things out.
- If your feelings have changed or the circumstances are no longer working for you or your partner, a breakup can actually be the best thing for both of you.
As long as your breakup is a mutual decision – everyone feels involved, and nobody gets hurt. However, this doesn’t mean that it won’t be a sad experience.
Help and Advice with a Breakup
Tips to Deal with a Breakup
- When you feel unhappy in your relationship acknowledge your feelings about it
- Take the time to reflect on your circumstances and the dynamic between you and your partner
- Before making any decisions share your thoughts, feelings, doubts and concerns
- Take the time to hear each other out and understand your points of view
- If you decide to break up, do it in a loving way where you can respect yourselves and each other
If you don’t know how to deal with a breakup and need professional help and advice, we’ll be happy to help! Check out our coaching options here.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why break up hurts?
A breakup causes emotional pain when there is a lack of understanding on why you are breaking up on the first place. Once you understand the reasons of why your relationship isn’t working and why you are not in the position to fix it. Then, this pain will be replaced with the understanding it is for the best.
Even in this case, you will still go through a variety of emotions as a result from separating from someone with whom you shared part of your life.
If you can separate in a loving way and maintain understanding through healthy communication.
This process can be a lot less painful and even fulfilling in some ways. If this is something you would like to do, but don’t know how check out our coaching page to see how you can get help.
Why breakup happens?
Because at least one partner is no longer feeling fulfilled and satisfied in this relationship. This can be because of the dynamic between partners, personal issues or circumstances. Breakups also happen because partners lose emotional connection with each other or their goals no longer align.
Can a breakup cause depression?
You may find yourself feeling depressed if you were too attached to your partner and struggle to let go. Particularly, if you were not the one choosing to break up.
Is breakup the right decision?
Breakups happen for a number of reasons but in the end, they come as a result of a decision made by one or both partners. The questions is what is that decision based on? Is it that the relationship has run its course, your feelings faded away or your goals no longer align? Or is it because you don’t know how to address your issues and find solutions to the problems and find it easier to call it quits.
Can a breakup cause anxiety?
Anxiety after a breakup can be cause by confusion from not knowing why you broke up on the first place. If you feel you’ve done everything the best you could in your relationship until your partner broke up with you. You may find this experience very stressful. If you don’t find the way to let it go and move on, it may lead to anxiety. To avoid this, try to talk to your partner and learn as much as you can about their view on your relationship and their reasons for breaking up.
Where to break up with someone?
How you break up is way more important than where you break up. Whatever you do, avoid making a unilateral decision of ending your relationship and informing your partner about it as a matter of fact. Instead, express to your partner how you feel and what isn’t working for you in this relationship.
Is it okay to break up?
If your relationship isn’t working is better to break up than staying in an unhealthy relationship that is going to become toxic.
That said, you may still have strong feelings for each other and both of you want to make this relationship work, you just may not know how.
In this case, a relationship coach can help you gain some clarity and understanding and will help you make a healthy decision that works for both of you.
Why you should not break up?
Before breaking up is a good idea to address your issues and try to find the solutions to your problems. It’s much healthier to do this than break up the first time you don’t like something.
There is a balance between making an effort to have a healthy relationship and staying in an unhealthy relationship because of commitment and obligation.
Can a relationship break up affect your self esteem?
If you find that a break up is making you feel insecure, recognise that your partner’s choice is influenced more by your behaviour than you as a person. From this perspective, it would make sense for you to talk to your partner and ask them to tell you how they see your behaviour and how it affected them.
How do you deal with a breakup when you still love them?
A romantic relationship is a union of two people who have romantic feelings for each other. The moment one person no longer has these feelings such romantic relationship stops being a relationship.
If you choose to stay together while getting on well, it is effectively a friendship. If one person loses romantic feelings and stays in the relationship because of duty or obligation, it is an unhealthy relationship which is likely to become toxic.