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Asking your long-distance partner the right questions can make for interesting conversations, help you learn about each other and guide you through the stages of your long-distance relationship.
Here are 10 questions that will help you get started:
- Why are you in a long-distance relationship?
- How long have you been in this long-distance relationship?
- How long will the distance last in your relationship?
- What are your goals as a couple?
- When are you planning to move in together?
- Is your long-distance relationship healthy?
- What do you want from your relationship?
- Do you have any doubts about this relationship?
- What brings you joy in this long-distance relationship?
- What frustrates you the most in your relationship?
Questions 1- 5 are about your long-distance relationship and where you see it going.
Questions 6-10 will help you reflect on your personal goals, feelings, needs, and expectations.
Let’s have a look at each of them in more detail…
1. Why Are You in a Long-Distance Relationship?
There are 2 general situations why you might be in a long-distance relationship. You might be starting a new long-distance relationship online or you may be away from your existing partner for a while.
Single people meet online, on holidays, in college or during a work trip, and want to get to know each other better. Some couples are already in a relationship, married, or living together. And one partner has to be away for some time due to studies of job relocation.
Whatever your situation, the fact remains that for some time you are going to be away from each other.
If you are getting to know someone long-distance, then you are probably having a lot of fun. However, if you are separated after being together, it can be a more complicated experience.
2. How Long Have You Been in this Long-Distance Relationship?
Right, so you have a number. Now tell me, how do you feel about being in this relationship for this long? Is it something you planned and prepared for or is it dragging longer then you would have liked?
The reason this question is important is that couples tend to lose track of time.
It may be in a good way where you have conversations that last for hours, or you are waiting with excitement for the next call or text. But it can also be that your interactions have become boring. So, why are you in this relationship?
3. How Long Will the Distance Last in Your Relationship?
If you answered the previous question, you are now aware of how long you’ve been in your long-distance relationship. You are also aware if it’s been too long, not long enough, or just right, and how you feel about it.
Depending on your answer, now you’d want to know how long it will last. If it’s an early stage, you are probably happy to see how it develops and how it integrates into your life. If it’s just right, then you are going to be facing some decisions very soon.
Things like where are you going to meet next, whether you will move in together or considering if you are better off alone or with someone else.
If you are feeling it’s been too long, then you probably missed the point where you needed to address your feelings and make some hard decisions. Now the decisions you are facing are even harder. You see, the more you sacrifice and compromise the harder it will be to find the balance.
4. What Are Your Goals as a Couple?
Your long-distance relationship is an incomplete romantic relationship because of the lack of physical intimacy. But as we’ve seen in question 1, it has a purpose. It serves for you to get to know each other or to maintain your established relationship.
Take a moment to reflect on the goals and expectations you and your partner have from this long-distance relationship. Talk about it, maybe even make some notes. Working with couples, I recommend having a session with each partner separately.
Each partner makes notes, and then we put them together. Doing it this way nobody is trying to please another and the answers are more honest.
5. When Are You Planning to Move in Together?
Long-distance relationships are meant to be temporary. Stretch them out a bit longer and they result in a lot of suffering. Once your long-distance relationship has served its purpose, it’s time to take the next step.
If you started a new long-distance relationship online, it’s the moment you know enough about each other. I mean enough that you are ready to meet for the first time.
There’s always more you can learn later on. If you are a couple who is doing a long-distance relationship, the same applies.
At some point, if your relationship becomes serious, you will need to test the waters to see how compatible you are being physically together. Unlike in a long-distance relationship, living together comes with a whole set of problems you don’t need to deal with while apart.
Don’t miss this moment between being happy and excited about your relationship and being bored and fed up with it. Sometimes we get so caught up in our relationships, we forget our own life goals and objectives. The next questions are to help you bring the focus back to yourself.
While answering the next 5 questions, imagine what your life’s like.
6. Is Your Long-Distance Relationship Healthy?
If you’ve started a new long-distance relationship online, you did it to enrich your life. To get to know someone, find understanding, connection, and love. If you are in a long-distance because of work, commitment or relocation, then it must be daunting for you.
It may feel like you had no say in it and now you have to put up with the way things are.
I’d like to tell you that you are in this situation because you made some choices. They may not have been easy, but they were your choices. You have the power to choose at every moment. Even now, you still have a choice about the future of your relationship.
7. What Do You Want from Your Relationship?
What do you personally want for yourself from this long-distance relationship? Do you want someone to talk to, to share things with, or to connect in a meaningful way? Maybe you are looking for a long-term partner with whom you can get married and have children.
Sometimes we don’t even realise why we are in a relationship. Remind yourself how and why you got into this relationship in the first place. Are you getting what you want or are you just plodding along hoping for things to change?
Things always change, but for them to change the way you want, you need to make that conscious change yourself.
8. Do You Have Any Doubts About this Relationship?
We have doubts about a lot of things all the time. It’s not healthy, but it’s normal. The first thing to do is to recognise these doubts. What are you unsure about?
Some doubts are just lingering thoughts, and all you may need is reassurance. Other doubts tell us that something isn’t quite tip-top.
To get a clear perspective on your long-distance relationship, recognise your doubts and concerns. Write them down, reflect on them by yourself. And then share them with your partner. But only share after they’ve written theirs.
9. What Brings You Joy in this Long-Distance Relationship?
This is one of the most important questions. Does your long-distance relationship bring love, joy, and excitement into your life? Or does it leave you feeling sad, frustrated, and depressed? Many couples simply overlook the importance of their own feelings.
Just because it’s a long-distance relationship, some couples consider that patiently suffering is normal. But it can’t be further from the truth. No relationship should be a cause of your suffering.
If you aren’t happy with yourself – change yourself. If your relationship doesn’t bring you joy, you can choose to be with someone else.
In real life, it’s usually more complicated, but it still holds true.
10. What Frustrates You the most in Your Relationship?
Write down a list of things that you are not happy with. Let yourself go. Come up with things that are even vaguely true. This exercise will help you bring importance to how you feel and what you want. This list is for you, so don’t worry about what anyone will think or say about it.
Be honest with yourself.
Express everything you find inside of you on a piece of paper. You’ll find once it’s out, it’ll be easier for you to deal with it. You may even choose to share some of them with your partner. Before you do, check out this article on effective communication.
Here is a bonus question…
11. Does this Long-Distance Relationship Help You to Achieve Your Own Goals and Dreams?
As a person, as an individual, you must have ambitions. And if you don’t, take the time to explore them. Having a relationship means sharing your time and space with another person. Once you do that, it can be harder to prioritise your own goals and desires.
Now you need to make decisions as a couple. So you have to make sure that you are “in bed” with the right person. The right person will nourish your life and will help you with your goals. They will recognise what’s important for you and will support you along the way.
If you find yourself deviating from your life goals and compromising what’s important to you, reconsider. Sometimes it’s a matter of sitting down and just getting it out.
For your relationship to succeed, you have to succeed.
Long-distance relationship questions fall into one of two categories:
- Questions about personal feelings, circumstances, and goals of each partner in a long-distance relationship.
- Questions about your common goals and objectives as a couple, while in a long-distance relationship.
Six types of questions you can ask your long-distance partner are: fun, deep, important, serious, dirty and romantic.
A long-distance relationship can be hard to navigate. The love and attraction you feel for someone is mixed with annoyance that you can’t see them.
The build-up of sexual frustration in a long-distance relationship can be overwhelming. There comes a point where a picture on the screen and the voice on the phone just doesn’t cut it anymore.
In a romantic relationship, you deserve physical closeness. To have a healthy long-distance relationship, it’s important to separate the feelings you have for the person from the feelings caused by your situation.
I hope these questions got you thinking in the right direction. If you have any questions or need help with your long-distance relationship, send me a message.
Having been in a long-distance relationship myself, I wondered if it has to be all sadness and suffering, or is it possible to enjoy a long-distance relationship and if so, How?.
I would like to leave you with some other questions for you to go through with your partner:
- What is a long-distance relationship?
- Does this relationship have a future because of the distance?
- Why are you in a long-distance relationship?
- How the distance affects your relationship?
- Are you making the most of having more personal space?
- Are you enjoying your long-distance relationship?
- Are you on track to getting what you want?
- How long have you been in this long-distance relationship?
- Do you have plans to move in together?
- Is your long-distance relationship healthy?
- What do you want and expect from this long-distance relationship?
- What brings you joy?
- Does your long-distance relationship bring love, joy, and excitement into your life?
- What frustrates you the most in this long-distance relationship?
- Who will be moving when you are ready to close the distance?
- When would you give up on a long-distance relationship?
- What possible problems you will face in your long-distance relationship?
- What does it take to make your long-distance relationship work?
To maintain a healthy long-distance relationship, it’s essential to have fun as well as talk about things that touch you deeply. If you would like some help expressing yourself and sharing your thoughts and feelings, this workbook will help you out a lot. It’ll also give you conversation ideas to grow your relationship and stay emotionally connected.
Frequently Asked Questions
What questions do you ask in a long-distance relationship?
All questions can be divided into 2 types: those that are important to you and those that are not. We are naturally more emotional about things that are important to us. In a long-distance relationship, your priority is to express what’s important to you and learn what’s important to your partner.
What questions can I ask my long-distance partner on the phone?
When you are talking to your long-distance partner on the phone, it’s a good idea to keep your conversations light. You can ask general questions to see how they are getting on. Phone conversations are also good to have a quick catch up with your partner.
You can also discuss other questions on the phone, as long as they don’t cause any conflicts. If you find yourselves arguing about things, it’s better to leave the conversation until you can have a video call. It’s easier to resolve conflicts when you see each other, to better navigate the conversations.
You should discuss deep and important questions during your visits as much as possible. When you are in a long-distance relationship, it’s better to keep your conversations friendly.
Focus on resolving issues rather than creating conflicts, because it’s a lot harder to work out deeper issues when you are away from each other.
That said, if you need to ask some questions and don’t feel like waiting, create the time and space to do it.
How often is normal to talk in a long-distance relationship?
The more you talk in the long-distance relationship, the less meaning is in your conversations. Try to find a healthy balance between engaging with your personal life and spending time talking about it with your long-distance relationship partner.
When you talk too much, your conversations can become boring. But also, if you talk too little there is a chance you might start feeling disconnected. Either of these can put a strain on your long-distance relationship and on your feelings.
If you want to have a healthy long-distance relationship you should frequently talk about this particular topic. It may sound strange but you should find time to talk about talking. In a long-distance relationship, it can be harder to fix problems. Once something goes wrong, it can become an issue in a very short space of time.
That’s why it’s important that you regularly talk about your feelings and the state of your relationship. If something changes, you should share it with your partner right away.
What do you talk about in a long-distance relationship?
You can talk about your personal goals and objectives and you can also talk about your long-distance relationship.
What do you do when your long-distance relationship gets boring?
If you talk too much or too often you may find that you are running out of things to talk about. If you are on the phone with your long-distance partner and you find yourself not having anything to talk about you have two options:
1. Reduce how much you talk or how often you talk.
2. Spice up your interactions by playing games, doing online quizzes together, or use the couple’s journal to talk about your relationship.
Do you need to talk every day in a long-distance relationship?
To feel emotionally connected, many couples in a long-distance relationship have a strong need to talk every day. And as long as it works for both of you, great. You may begin to notice problems when one of you wants to talk more often, while another needs to get on with their life. So next time you talk to your partner, check how they feel about your frequency of communication and if they prefer to talk more, or less.
What should I ask a guy long-distance?
When you are in a long-distance relationship with a guy, the first thing you want to know if how much physical intimacy he needs to feel connected. This is a key question because if his needs exceed what is possible in your circumstances, he will get bored or frustrated and will want to move on. In this case, if your relationship is serious, you should consider moving in sooner rather than later.
How Healthy Is Your Long-Distance Relationship?
If you are having doubts about your long-distance relationship and are not sure if you should try to fix it or let it go, here is our step by step guide to help you and your partner reassess your relationship and make an educated decision that works for both of you.
Relationship Coaching for Long-Distance Couples
Long-distance relationships are hard to maintain without knowing exactly what they involve.
However, once you understand what long-distance relationships are, what they are not and how to navigate them, you are a lot more likely to make it work.
We specialise in helping long-distance couples create and maintain a healthy relationship by building intimacy, trust and effective communication.
If you are starting a long-distance relationship or are already in one, send us a message to book an individual coaching session for yourself or a couples coaching session for you and your partner.