To have a healthy, balanced and successful long-distance relationship there are some things you shouldn’t do.
- Don’t forget why you are in a long-distance relationship
- Don’t force yourself to talk every day
- Don’t overthink
- Don’t be needy
- Don’t be clingy
- Don’t be jealous
- Don’t cheat
- Don’t discard a possibility of an open long-distance relationship
- Don’t stay in a toxic long-distance relationship
While long-distance relationships can be hard, you can make them easier, healthy and more enjoyable by avoiding unhealthy yet common behaviours. Let’s take a look at these behaviours, so you can avoid them in your relationship.
Don’t Forget Why You Are in a Long-Distance Relationship
There are many reasons why you should have a long-distance relationship. If you’re a single person, online dating can bring you many possibilities.
A long-distance relationship allows you to meet people from all over the world.
With online dating sites you can filter potential partners by several different factors to help you narrow the search down to what’s important to you. The only problem with dating someone online is that you never really know who the person is until you meet them in real life.
This guide will help you figure out who is the right person for you.
If you are already in a relationship and have to be apart for some time from your partner, this long-distance relationship can be a great way to stay emotionally connected and catch up with some personal goals you may have.
With proper management and planning of your long-distance relationship, you can not only make it work, but you can also have a lot of fun with it.
You shouldn’t do a long-distance relationship if you don’t have a clear idea of what do you want to achieve from it.
Romantic relationships include physical intimacy. In a long-distance relationship, physical intimacy is only possible when you visit each other occasionally. So while it can work well for a few months, if it lasts too long, your long-distance relationship may bring you more suffering than joy. Check out this article for more explanation about how long long-distance relationships last.
Another reason you shouldn’t do a long-distance relationship is if you don’t have a set plan to achieve what you want.
Some couples get stuck in a long-distance relationship, feeling sad and frustrated most of the time, wishing they could be together. But unless you have a clear plan and the means to move in together, your long-distance relationship won’t bring you happiness.
If you do not yet have a plan for your long-distance relationship, you can do it together with your partner using this step by step guide.
Don’t Force Yourself to Talk Every Day
When you are in a long-distance relationship, you may want to talk or text your long-distance partner as much as possible.
Spending too much time talking in messaging with your long-distance partner can lead to excessive communication. Excessive communication can result in boring conversations and take time away from your real life.
Once you learn to communicate effectively with your partner, you can have a healthy and successful long-distance relationship.
You should have a balance between the quality of communication and the quantity. In other words, it’s better to talk less about something interesting rather than spend a lot of time talking about nothing.
It’s fine to talk every day, as long as it doesn’t take away from the things that you or your partner should be doing in your everyday life.
Here is a step by step guide to help you improve communication with your long-distance partner.
Long-distance relationships carry a lot of uncertainty. Combine this uncertainty with the fact that you spend a lot of time without your partner and you end up with lots of doubts that you need to handle all by yourself.
When you think about one negative aspect of your relationship, your thoughts can take you to dark places. If you don’t share your opinions with your partner, you will have to deal with them by yourself. It can be tough to get out of this negative thinking cycle when there is nobody to share it with.
If you leave your doubts unaddressed, at some point, they will become destructive. You’ll be better off sharing your thoughts, doubts, and concerns with your long-distance partner as soon as you have them. Otherwise, if you suppress them, they will show up later through your behaviour.
Click here to learn how you can handle doubts in a healthy way.
When you get the ball of negative thoughts and assumptions rolling, it will grow into an issue, unless you address it right away.
One way to avoid overthinking is to get the facts right about your situation. If you have any doubts about your long-distance partner or relationship, the best thing to do is talk about the things that bother you. Share your thoughts and feelings; your partner will be happy to help you.
The moment you address the thoughts that bother you, they will no longer have as much power over your behaviour. You will also have a partner on your side to deal with the uncertainties and fears you might have about your relationship.
Don’t Be Needy
When you are in a long-distance relationship, you will have several unfulfilled needs. They can range from needs for love and understanding to physical company and sexual needs.
If you don’t recognise these needs and find a way to manage them, they will control your behaviour. As a result, you might come across as needy to your long-distance partner. For example, suppose you feel sexually frustrated, and you take out this frustration during your conversation with your long-distance partner. In that case, that can bring tension into your relationship.
If you don’t recognise these needs and find a way to manage them, they will control your behaviour. As a result, you might come across as needy to your long-distance partner.
A healthy relationship requires a degree of trust. We explore the topic of trust in more detail in this article.
This neediness can also be uncomfortable for your long-distance partner as they will be confused as to why you behave this way. Even if your partner realises that your frustration comes from the lack of physical intimacy, there’s nothing they can immediately do to solve it.
A healthier way to manage your needs is to share them with your long-distance partner. But you can only do that when you are aware of them.
If you feel sad, frustrated, or depressed, take some time to recognise what unfulfilled needs are behind these negative feelings. Once you are clear on your needs, you’ll be able to share them clearly with your partner. If your partner cares about you and your relationship, they will try to do their best and help you address these needs.
For example, if you are struggling with the lack of physical intimacy, perhaps the two of you can arrange more frequent visits or go on a spontaneous trip together. Alternatively, you can move up the day of moving in together.
If you are struggling to maintain intimacy or need help dealing with intimacy issues in your long-distance relationship, this workbook is for you.
Don’t Be Clingy
Being clingy is a form of attachment. When you are in a relationship, you get used to having this person in your life. After some time, they become part of your decision-making process, celebrations, and support during the difficult periods.
While a certain degree of attachment is normal and expected in the relationship, clinginess can be unhealthy and damaging.
Excessive communication, while in a long-distance relationship, is an example of clinginess. Understandably, you may struggle to maintain a connection while being away from your romantic partner. As a consequence, you would want to talk to them as much as you can.
But the problem with excessive communication is that you will run out of things to say at some point. Spending too much time on the phone with your partner will also take the time away from doing the things you love and enjoy. In the end, you will run out of things to say, and your conversations will become boring.
When you have a monotonous relationship, at some point you and your partner will lose interest in it.
Suppose you don’t do anything exciting with your life. In that case, you won’t have anything interesting to share with your long-distance partner. Try to maintain a balance of maintaining the connection with your partner while getting on with your life.
Effective communication is a key to make your long-distance relationship work. To help you along, here’s a workbook that will take you step by step through everything you need to know about communication in your relationship.
Click here to learn about online communication.
Don’t Be Jealous
Jealousy is the envy of another person’s advantages or their success. In a long-distance relationship, jealousy can manifest; for example, when your partner spends time with their friends.
It’s understandable that you might be frustrated because you want to be with your long-distance partner, but unable to do so. And when your partner tells you all the fun things they do in their life, you can expect to feel jealous.
It’s hard to avoid jealousy. But there are a few things you can do to handle it. Here is an article that explores jealousy in a long-distance relationship in more detail.
One thing is to be happy that your partner is enjoying their life. A long-distance relationship is probably quite hard for them, as well. So if they find a way to be happy instead of struggling and suffering, that’s great.
Another thing you can do is to bring more fun and excitement into your life. For example, if you find yourself depressed from being alone, spend some time with your family or go out with your friends. Doing so will help you shift your focus from things you cannot have and appreciate people in your life.
Making your relationship fun and exciting is essential if you are to get through the distance phase while still being happy together. Here is a workbook that will give you and your partner ideas and opportunity to spice up your long-distance relationship.
Cheating in the long-distance relationship happens because of the lack of physical intimacy. When you live together with your romantic partner, sexual intimacy isn’t an issue unless you have other problems.
When you are in a romantic long-distance relationship, you may go for weeks or even months without seeing your partner. It’s quite common to feel sexually frustrated and disappointed when you cannot be together as much as you’d like. Click here to learn about intimacy issues couples face when they are physically apart.
Some people need sexual intimacy more often than others. What you can do to manage the lack of physical intimacy if it’s an issue for you, is talking about it with your partner from the beginning. If you can, plan to visit each other as often as you need.
However, many couples don’t have the luxury of seeing each other as often as they would like. When this happens, and your long-distance relationship lasts for a while, first you may suppress your sexual desires. But after some time, this oppression can become unbearable, and you may end up cheating on your long-distance partner.
You can avoid cheating by expressing your frustrations and desires with your long-distance partner before acting on them.
When you share your feelings with your partner, they can actively find a solution with you. If you don’t tell them how you feel, they won’t know that this problem exists.
To avoid cheating, you should address your doubts and desires with your partner before acting on them. Use this step by step guide to bring up and resolve any trust issues you may have.
Don’t Discard a Possibility of an Open Long-Distance Relationship
If the lack of physical intimacy becomes too much, you should consider an open long-distance relationship.
As long as you have a strong emotional connection and an understanding, fulfilling your physical needs with other people could be an option.
Some people see an open long-distance relationship as sharing their long-distance partner with someone else. However, they should understand that they don’t own their long-distance partner.
A relationship is formed when two people share their time and space. In a long-distance relationship, you can only share time and only occasionally space.
Having an open long-distance relationship presents a risk of developing feelings for other people. But if that happens, it’s okay. It can be a sign that your bond isn’t strong enough. It may also be a sign that what holds the two of you together is attachment, fear of being alone or something else that would need to be explored.
Click here to learn more about an open long-distance relationship.
Don’t Stay in a Toxic Long-Distance Relationship
You may find yourself in a long-distance relationship that isn’t working. The two real options you have is to figure out why is not working and tried to fix it or to end your long-distance relationship.
If you are thinking about whether or not you should give up on your long-distance relationship, first, you should reconsider the idea of giving up. Given up on your long-distance relationship is a negative way to see a problem to which you cannot find a solution. This thinking can make you feel weak and powerless.
The first thing you should do is re-evaluate how you see a long-distance relationship. Not all long-distance relationships work out. Long-distance relationships have many reasons why they don’t work. Here, you can find common problems in a long-distance relationship and some ideas how to fix them.
Once you realise that you are not giving up on your long-distance relationship, you can see your situation for what it is. You will feel that you have the power to understand what isn’t working in your long-distance relationship.
Maybe your feelings have changed, or perhaps being away from your romantic partner leaves you feeling alone and frustrated.
If you are having doubts whether or not you should stay in this relationship, use this guide to help you and your partner realise how healthy your long-distance relationship really is.
You shouldn’t make unilateral decisions when you are in a long-distance relationship. Even if you decide to end your long-distance relationship, talk to your partner and make the decision together.
Whatever doesn’t work in your long-distance relationship, you can always figure it out. Once you understand what works and what doesn’t work for yourself, you should talk to your long-distance partner about your thoughts and ideas. Together, you can decide on something that works for both of you.
If you are serious about your long-distance relationship and want to do all you can to make it work, here is our complete step by step guide on how to do it.
Other Things You Shouldn’t Do in a Long-Distance Relationship
- Don’t allow yourself into fall in love with your image of a person
- Don’t rush your relationsip – get to know this person for who they are in real life
- Don’t set unrealistic expectations
- Don’t make promises that will leave you feeling obligated to do something
- Don’t assume that a long-distance relationship is like one face to face
- Don’t expect to have much physical intimacy
- Don’t try to communicate like you would in a regular relationship
- Don’t use abbreviations and shortcuts when sending text messages
- Don’t spend too much time on the phone with your long-distance pattern
- Don’t give each other the silent treatment
- Don’t suppress your feelings and desires
- Don’t try to make a long-distance relationship work without a plan and a timeline for moving in together
- Don’t avoid talking about meaningful things that matter to you and that are important for your relationship
- Don’t be needy and clingy
- Don’t get jealous and controlling
- Don’t lie and be dishonest
- Don’t let your doubt fester inside
- Don’t assume and rush to conclusions that can ruin your long-distance relationship
Long-distance relationships can be great for some couples in some situations. The first thing you should recognise is that they are different from regular relationship, at least in some ways.
The way you communicate with your long-distance partner is different as most of your communication is online.
A lack of sex and physical intimacy due to living apart, brings extra struggles and problems for long-distance couples.
To have a healthy and successful long-distance relationship you should know how the distance affects your relationship and what you can do to handle it in a healthy way.
If you are in a relationship with someone you’ve never met, it’s not a complete romantic relationship. Until you meet in real life, you don’t know the person and what it’s like to be with them.
A lack of physical intimacy can lead to sexual frustration that can spill into different aspects of your relationship in your life. Trying to maintain a long-distance relationship that isn’t working is hard and in many cases is hardly worth it.
You can maintain emotional intimacy through effective communication and physical intimacy by visiting each other frequently. However, you can only do so for a few months before your long-distance relationship starts getting complicated.
The best way to navigate a long-distance relationship is by talking about your thoughts and feelings with your long-distance partner as soon as they come to your mind.
It’s tough to express your emotions and feelings to someone who isn’t in front of you. In long-distance relationships, partners tend to experience a lot of doubts and frustrations.
Doubts and frustrations have an origin, which you should explore together with your long-distance partner. Learning to resolve your issues peacefully and with understanding will help you create a more harmonious relationship.
To learn more about what it takes to make your long-distance relationship work, see this article.
How Healthy Is Your Long-Distance Relationship?
If you are having doubts about your long-distance relationship and are not sure if you should try to fix it or let it go, here is our step by step guide to help you and your partner reassess your relationship and make an educated decision that works for both of you.
Relationship Coaching for Long-Distance Couples
Long-distance relationships are hard to maintain without knowing exactly what they involve.
However, once you understand what long-distance relationships are, what they are not and how to navigate them, you are a lot more likely to make it work.
We specialise in helping long-distance couples create and maintain a healthy relationship by building intimacy, trust and effective communication.
If you are starting a long-distance relationship or are already in one, send us a message to book an individual coaching session for yourself or a couples coaching session for you and your partner.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should we not do in a long-distance relationship?
You shouldn’t have a long-distance relationship without a plan, and you shouldn’t communicate too much while in a long-distance relationship.
How do I survive a long-distance relationship?
Suppose you feel that you’re surviving a long-distance relationship rather than enjoying it. In that case, you should re-evaluate why you are in this long-distance relationship.
Can distance kill a relationship?
Distance changes the dynamic of your relationship. In a long-distance relationship, you should learn the way to communicate with each other and make a plan to see each other regularly.
Is long-distance a reason to break up?
Long-distance isn’t a reason to break up. But the distance can separate you not only physically, but emotionally. When this happens, you may feel like wanting to break up.
Is 2 hours away long-distance relationship?
A common problem in the long-distance relationship isn’t the distance or the time it takes to bridge this gap. The concern for most couples is to have the means to see each other as much as they would like.
How do you know if he is cheating in a long-distance relationship?
If you suspect your long-distance partner is cheating on you, this is a sign that you don’t trust them. They might be cheating, or they might be not. But the fact that you already doubt their honesty, it’s a problem.
How do you know if a long-distance relationship is serious?
You know your long-distance relationship is serious if you have a clear plan and a timeline for getting back together in a few months. If you are married or in a committed relationship, you may choose to sacrifice your feelings, needs and preferences to keep your long-distance relationship going. But you should ask yourself if it’s worth it.
How long do most long-distance relationships last?
Long-distance relationships last as long as each couple made them last. Just because you’re long-distance relationship last for years, it doesn’t make it healthy.
How often do couples in long-distance relationships talk?
Couples in long-distance relationships try to talk every day. While it’s okay to talk every day, you should take care not to spend too much time talking about nothing. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you should live your own life as well as making your long-distance relationship work.
What should we not do in LDR?
To maintain a healthy and successful long-distance relationship, avoid excessive communication but talk regularly. Avoid spending too much time on the phone, but discuss something exciting and meaningful when you do. Visit each other regularly to maintain physical intimacy. To spice up your relationship, go for spontaneous trips together.
Should long-distance couples talk every day?
You can talk every day as long as it doesn’t take away from living your life. When you talk too much, you will run out of things to say, and your conversations can become tiresome. Boring conversations lead to a dull relationship. Try to find a balance between living your life and maintaining a connection with your long-distance partner.
Why You Shouldn’t Do Long-Distance Relationships
You shouldn’t do a long-distance relationship if you don’t have a clear idea of what do you want to achieve from it.